KNOWN

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts;  And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)

Lord you search me not to find fault but to know me. You search me even when I am in sin. Nothing that I have done or will do escapes your presence, nothing escapes your knowledge of me. Lord I can't surprise you! The fact that you long to know me is a humbling mystery. Why should you a holy all powerful God desire to know me? I am nothing compared to you, I am but dust. Why would the creator, the one who made every part of me want to commune with me? I can't add a thing to your knowledge, I can't enhance or provide anything to you. Why the life investment in me? Oh, if I could give something of value to you. What could I honestly give you?

One day I will know you as I am known for I will see you as you are and yet even then I will not know all there is to know. I was not there when you created the heavens and earth, nor the angels nor anything else. I can't understand your thoughts and feelings when you created things. What does good and very good look like to you? What was it like when you had conversations with Adam or Enoch or when Jesus came out of the water of his baptism. What does "well pleased" mean to the God of Heaven? Is there a greater joy to know that I have made you smile or that you were proud of me or that I made you well pleased by something that I did for you? I don't want to even think of your feelings when Adam fell, when Cain killed Able, when Satan rebelled and a third of the angels went with him or when Jesus's disciples bailed on him and Judas betrayed him. Then of course there are my many sins and rejections of your love for me. I can’t imagine the hurt and grief that you experience when I turn my heart from you. Though none of this surprises you, you must still feel the immense pain or bearing the sins of the whole world. I am sorry for my contribution to your grief and pain. There is so much hurt, so much pain in this world and yet your grace eases and even removes the pain.

These thoughts are far too large for me and the capacity to entertain them are beyond me. I need to know you… intimately know you. Please override my foolish and sinful thoughts so I can focus on knowing you. I want to please you, to make you smile to do things that are "very good" in your sight. I don't want to cause you any more hurt or grief. I don't want be one more disappointment for you, but I know I will. I know I will sin a million times more and many of those times I won't be sorry for what I have done. I will cause others pain, I will discourage them from seeking you, I will be a hindrance to others and you. Again this sounds cheap and insincere, but I can only plead your grace, I can only plead your blood shed for us all with the hope that I will someday make it into eternal life with you.